I apologize if this image makes anyone feel uncomfortable, but today marks eight years that my Tori was "born sleeping." I still think of her and miss her every day. I am so grateful for the help and support we received from family and friends during that time, and for those who remember her and acknowledge her still. We went to the cemetery to visit her grave today, and I got out my box of her things to show to the kids. It was neat to talk about her with them and to show them the molds of her hands and feet, her ultrasound photos, and other mementos. I am grateful for my faith, which gives me the assurance that our trials and hard times serve a greater purpose, and that one day I'll have her with me again.

The prompting

I so often think that I want to write something down so I will remember it... but then a couple of days go by and I keep putting if off, until I forget that it ever happened. That makes me sad, because I feel like writing it down helps me to solidify and internalize what I learn. I wonder how much better I could be as a person if I wrote down, and therefore internalized, the promptings and impressions I have during lessons at Church, or during conversations with friends, or during ordinary moments in my ordinary life.

I had one such experience this past week. I'm not blogging about this so that anyone says, "Oh, you're so wonderful for helping." I'm writing it because I want to remember that I have been an answer to someone else's prayer. We can ALL be the answer to another person's prayer. So many times, we are the means through which the Lord cares for His children.

Over the past week or so I had been thinking frequently about a new sister in my ward. She and her husband have three young children (2, 3, and 4), and their fourth is due in about a week. Her husband is in the National Guard, and he was supposed to be out of town for the last week. I kept thinking I should probably give her a call and see how she's doing, but I just kept putting it off for one reason or another. On Friday, I couldn't get her out of my head. So I texted her. I told her I had been thinking about her, and I knew her husband was out of town. I told her that Jeff had gone out of town the week before I was due with Faith, and I knew how stressful that was. I offered my help in whatever she needed.

She responded and said she was "super stressed out," and asked me if I would take even one of her kids for a few hours. I said of course, I'd take any and all.

So that's how I ended up with three extra kids for the afternoon. When I went to pick them up, she told me that her husband's travel schedule had been changed, and he had actually just left that morning for 12 days. Before he left, she asked him to give her a blessing. He promised her that she would have help in the time that he was gone. That was comforting to her, because she was overwhelmed by her circumstances and wasn't sure how things would go.

Her dad had been planning to come help her that day. But that fell through. Her mom couldn't come because she was grading papers for school. Her visiting teacher came by, looked around and commented that it looked like she could probably use some help, then left. (WHAT!?!?!) Her sister was not available. She said that she was literally in tears when she received my text. Me taking her kids for a few hours allowed her the time to clean her house, which helped her feel in control of her surroundings and better able to cope with the demands of motherhood. (I can SO relate to this.)

I am so grateful that I took the time to follow a prompting. She is a neat person, and is becoming a good friend. I am also grateful for the opportunity to serve. As I find and act on those opportunities, I feel a greater desire to be more available, to be more observant, to be more conscientious of the needs of those around me so that I can be a means through which the Lord can bless their life.

Isn't the Gospel wonderful? I find it so satisfying that we have the great blessing to serve each other and serve our God in this way.

Faith's sixth birthday

Oh. My. Goodness. I cannot believe Faith is 6 years old. She is seriously one of the most delightful people I know.

Her birthday was actually on February 10, so I'm kind of late getting this update in. My friend Rachel has a tradition she does where on each of her kids' birthdays, she asks them the same set of questions. The idea is to see how they change over the years. I stole her questionnaire and thought it would be fun to do it too:

Questions about: Faith Sabin

Date: March 2, 2014 (yeah, a couple weeks late)

Age: 6

Nicknames: Doopster, Faythie, Doopsie Daisy

(All questions strictly according to their verbal answers)

What is your favorite color?  Pink

What is your favorite toy? Littlest Pet Shops

What is your favorite fruit? Orange

What is your favorite TV show? He-Man (Yeah, we're on a Netflix kick lately.)

What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Macaroni and cheese

What is your favorite outfit? My nightgown

What is your favorite game? Superhero Pet House (a game that Michael made up)

What is your favorite snack? Applesauce

What is your favorite animal? Flamingo

What is your favorite song? He Sent His Son

What is your favorite book? Pinkalicious

Who is your best friend? Ben (Cash)

What is your favorite cereal? Marshmallow Mateys and Coco-Puffs with Marshmallows in it

What is your favorite thing to do outside? Play games

What is your favorite drink? Soda

What is your favorite holiday? Easter

What do you like to take to bed with you at night? A stuffed animal

What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Cereal

What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Pizza

What do you want to be when you grow up? Illustrator

What do you want most for your birthday? Toy sewing machine

What is your favorite candy? Candy canes

What is your favorite sport? Soccer

What makes you sad? When somebody bees mean to me

What makes you happy? Getting gifts

What is your favorite movie? Frozen

Her birthday was on a Monday this year. The night before, we had the Sabin family over for cake and ice cream. Here she is with her "water slide" cake.

She got a lot of fun presents. Grandpa and Grandma Sabin gave her a little Lalaloopsy doll. Kari and Rich gave her some paints and canvases, and we gave her a rubber band loom and a set of My Little Ponies.

On her birthday, she woke up and informed me as she kicked off her covers that her legs were now longer because she was six. Haha.

My mom came up with my Aunt Judie and they took her to brunch at Denny's. Grandma and brought her a sticker and coloring book shaped like a purse, along with a pack of erasable crayons, and Aunt Judie brought her a necklace with a penguin pendant.

She chose to go to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. She told me a couple of days later that it was really fun to be 6 years old.

Just a couple more shots of the 6-year-old. This is her doing her "Am I cute?" pose. (Yes, that's what she calls it.)

And this is her on her 100th day of school. She thought those glasses were the bomb.

Presidents Day weekend - *warning*: LOTS OF PHOTOS!!!

Jeff's parents recently bought a winter home in Hurricane, Utah. We've been down to visit them a couple of times, and since the kids had a long weekend with Parent Teacher Conferences and the Presidents Day holiday, we decided this would be another good opportunity. They took us out on the ATVs to see Peekaboo Canyon. The weather was beautiful - we didn't even need jackets until we got inside the canyon.

The kids had a great time in the back of Kawi (Richard and Anna's Kawasaki side-by-side):

At our picnic spot just before entering the canyon:

Just to the side of the entrance there was a short trail that led to this spire:

Michael just inside the entrance to Peekaboo Canyon:

Lauren:

A couple views of the slot canyon:

Faith showing us her "giraffe move":

Lauren showing us her chicken dance:

I can't get over this sassy little thing. I swear she never poses with just a smile. It's always this face:

A little detour:

Stretching to see if they could touch both sides at once:

This is how Jeff chose to do it:

Ah! They got it! (In another area of the canyon):

More views of the narrow passage:

Faith found herself a shelf:

The only greenery in the canyon was this moss growing on the side:

A final view:

It was a fun trip. The second day we were there was Sunday. Jeff and I took the kids to sacrament meeting. What a crazy, crowded event that was! The bishop announced that there were 60 additional people there from a Lacrosse team, but that didn't begin to explain how crowded the chapel was. We were lucky to find a seat. The entire cultural hall was full of chairs, which were full of people - and several families sat out in the foyer for the entire meeting.

After church, Jeff and I went hiking on the anticline, while Richard and Anna took the kids on the ATVs out to Sand Hollow State Park. Michael got to drive some, which he loved, and the girls got to climb rocks, which they loved. So all in all, everyone had a good time.

These photos were taken by Anna out at Sand Hollow:

Here is a view of the anticline - it's this ridge that extends for miles and miles. We climbed up to the top and then followed it for a little way - maybe 3/4 of a mile. It was pretty cool once you got up there, but that was a steep climb!

On Monday, Jeff's parents left early to spend the day with some friends. We packed up, cleaned up, and locked up, then headed up to Heber City. We met my family for dinner at Don Pedro's. Then the plan was to go to the ice castles in Midway. Apparently that was the plan of 25% of the state. Holy smokes, that place was crowded! We had purchased our tickets ahead of time, and then found out that it would be the last night the ice castles would be open. The warm weather is melting them, and there are concerns about the safety of attendees. By the time we got there, the wait to get inside was an hour and a half. No thank you. They will honor our tickets next year, so wait we will. Instead, we walked around the outside and saw what we could. The kids (and adults) thought the ice castles were beautiful.

Aren't they beautiful? We can't wait to go inside next season!

Tori's gift

I had one of those experiences that are beautiful and terrible all at the same time yesterday. My aunt Jodi called me and told me that SHE had just received a phone call from a friend who I'll call Susan. Susan is a member of Jodi's ward. They are friends, but not particularly close. Anyway, Susan called her and explained that she had just been woken up by a dream, in which she saw Jodi holding a tiny baby girl. When she woke, she knew she had to call her. So she did, and explained that her daughter had just had a miscarriage. Susan didn't know why she had dreamed about Jodi holding this baby girl, but she knew that Jodi must have some experience or information to share that could help her daughter cope. She had been promised in a blessing that her baby would be okay, and so naturally, to lose the baby was devastating and confusing.

Jodi told her that she had never had a miscarriage, so she wasn't sure what she could offer. Susan insisted that there must be something - after all, she wasn't in the habit of dreaming about Jodi. So Jodi told her that there was one time when she held a tiny, beautiful, perfect baby girl. Susan asked if there was any way she could talk to me, and Jodi agreed to call and ask.

There have been several times over the last seven years when I have talked to people about Tori. But always before, I have been approached by someone who had a sister or a friend who lost a baby, and they wanted to know the best way to help their friend. This was different. I was being asked to share what I had learned personally about overcoming the grief and devastation. What I knew about facing the absence of Church doctrine and revelation and still maintaining a hope in the Resurrection and in personal revelation.

I agreed to talk to Susan, and told Jodi she could give her my phone number. Less than 10 minutes passed before the phone rang. I have to admit I was still not prepared. Susan introduced herself and said that she had talked with Jodi, who thought I might have some insight to offer.

I began by telling her how sorry I was that her daughter had to deal with this. Then I told her the short version of my story. I told her how I woke up bleeding one day, and that the doctor said my placenta had torn. I was put on bed rest. Susan said that it was the same with her daughter - a torn placenta and bed rest. I recounted how I was on and off of bed rest for a month, and that during that time, I was called to the Primary presidency. In the blessing that Bishop Bowthorpe gave me when he set me apart, he promised me that my pregnancy would be successful.

I started to cry as I told her what almost no one knows - that when he said those words, I immediately received one of the most powerful impressions of my life: If I could have my baby girl in the Resurrection, then this pregnancy was successful. I think part of me knew then that we would lose her.

I have faith in that promise from my bishop.

I went on to tell her about some of the things that helped me through the days following Tori's death; about the statements I found from Church leaders that comforted me; about the book Gone Too Soon. I especially told her how important it was to me that she not be forgotten - how my mom makes blankets every year and donates them to Utah Share; how Jodi calls me and takes me to lunch around Tori's birthday; how we talk about her in our family.

I hope that what I told Susan was helpful. I hope her daughter can find peace.

Losing Tori was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But the lessons I have learned from it are among the most beautiful. I am always grateful to have the opportunity to help others who are experiencing something similar. I call it Tori's gift. It's the gift she gave to me, so that I could give it to others.