Monday, April 6, 2015

heartache

I recently learned that someone I love very much has been deliberately deceptive for the last year and a half. She constructed a completely false story which she then distributed to dozens of people, for purely selfish reasons. She has outright lied about some of her choices because she didn't want to be judged for them.

At least, I assume that's why she lied. I'm not sure she even knows yet that I know about her lies, so I haven't asked her about her reasons.

I'm kind of waiting for her to come to me. But I don't think she will. She obviously didn't care enough to tell the truth in the beginning, so why would it be any different now?

The repercussions of her decision to lie are heartbreaking. It will seriously affect her relationship with me and with others that love her for a long time.

She pulled others into her lies as well. Those others are, of course, responsible for their own choices and the part they played in her deception. But the fact that she even asked them to go along with it is another blow to her character.

She thought I (and others) would judge her for her lifestyle. But she never gave us the chance to make that choice. By making that assumption, she became the one who judged.

If I judge her for her choices, that's on me. But if she lies, that's on her.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

When hymns collide

Rev'rently and meekly now, Let thy head most humbly bow.
Think of me, thou ransomed one; Think what I for thee have done.
With my blood that dripped like rain, Sweat in agony of pain,
With my body on the tree, I have ransomed even thee.

     With humble heart, I bow my head
     And think of thee, O Savior, Lord.
     I take the water and the bread
     To show remembrance of thy word.

In this bread now blest for thee, Emblem of my body see;
In this water or this wine, Emblem of my blood divine.
Oh, remember what was done That the sinner might be won.
On the cross of Calvary I have suffered death for thee.

     Help me remember, I implore,
     Thou gav'st thy life on Calvary,
     That I might live forevermore
     And grow, dear Lord, to be like thee.

     To be like thee! I lift my eyes
     From earth below toward heav'n above,
     That I may learn from vaulted skies
     How I my worthiness can prove.

Bid thine heart all strife to cease; With thy brethren be at peace.
Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be E'en forgiven now by me.
In the solemn faith of prayer Cast upon me all thy care,
And my Spirit's grace shall be Like a fountain unto thee.

     As I walk daily here on earth,
     Give me thy Spirit as I seek
     A change of heart, another birth,
     And grow, dear Lord, to be like thee.

At the throne I intercede; For thee ever do I plead.
I have loved thee as thy friend, With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore, Prayerful, watchful, evermore,
And be constant unto me, That thy Savior I may be.

    "With Humble Heart," Hymns, No. 171

"Reverently and Meekly Now," Hymns, No. 185

Saturday, March 28, 2015

What I learned from being offended

Last week I taught Gospel Doctrine. As part of the discussion, I shared briefly how a couple of years ago I was deeply offended - so much so that I didn't want to go back to church. I didn't share the details with the class, just that I am grateful that my roots are deep and that I didn't allow that experience to pull me away from the Gospel.

Over the last week I've been reflecting a lot on the experience itself... particularly what I learned from it. I've been reminded that there are powerful lessons to be learned in difficult times, and often, we don't really learn all that we could until we look back on it later.

For example, I learned not to judge those who leave the Church because they are offended. The kind of offense that would cause someone to choose to leave is a BIG deal. We should never assume that they must not have a testimony, or that their testimony must be shallow. And we should certainly never get that self-righteous attitude of, "I would never quit going to church just because someone hurt my feelings."

Because really, I think my Gospel roots are pretty deep. I feel like my testimony is pretty darn firm. I can't think of anything that would shake my testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, or of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Lord's church on the earth today.

But now I know that there are things that would seriously challenge my Sunday attendance. And one of those is having to smile and pretend that nothing is wrong, when members of my ward (even leaders of organizations in my ward) are openly hostile to me and my family; when they berate me behind my back to other members of the ward; when they call me a hypocrite on facebook and claim that I must not be a true follower of Christ.

Yeah, things like that make me not want to go to church.

But here's what else I learned: If I don't do what I know is right, then he wins. I don't mean the person on the other side of my experience. I mean the devil. Satan wins when I succumb to the desire to leave. He is the one who is really motivating that spirit of contention, and he is the one who really doesn't want me to go back to church. He doesn't want me taking my kids there, teaching Gospel Doctrine there, serving and helping and participating. He wants me to sit and stew at home about how horrible that other person is and how, "I'll show him," as if that other person cares a bit how I react to his vitriol.

I also learned that I have to forgive, and that I can forgive, even I never receive an apology. I don't have to "say my piece," (which I very much wanted to do.) Sometimes it's best to realize that the person who offended us didn't care then, and won't care now. I need to give the burden of my hurt feelings and my anger to my Savior, who will gladly carry it for me and give me the peace I need to move forward.

But moving forward doesn't necessarily mean that everything goes back to the way it was - that would be moving back. I can respect and support others in their callings without having any desire to be their friend. I can be kind and generous and loving to others without liking them.

In the end, it doesn't matter what they say or think about me. What matters is the truth. I know the truth, and my Heavenly Father knows the truth. People who know me and care about me will see the truth for what it is, or at least love me enough to seek out my side of the story before they pass judgment.

I recently read a talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks (Judge Not and Judging), which I love. He quoted the essayist William George Jordan in saying this:

"There is but one quality necessary for the perfect understanding of character, one quality that, if man have it, he may dare to judge — that is, omniscience. Most people study character as a proofreader pores over a great poem: his ears are dulled to the majesty and music of the lines, his eyes are darkened to the magic imagination of the genius of the author; that proofreader is busy watching for an inverted comma, a misspacing, or a wrong font letter. He has an eye trained for the imperfections, the weaknesses. …

“We do not need to judge nearly so much as we think we do. This is the age of snap judgments. … [We need] the courage to say, ‘I don’t know. I am waiting further evidence. I must hear both sides of the question.’ It is this suspended judgment that is the supreme form of charity” (“The Supreme Charity of the World,” The Kingship of Self-Control [n.d.], 27–30; emphasis in original).

Don't you love that? 

The final thing I learned is this: There are very few people on earth whose opinions of me I care about... and almost all of them are related to me. Most of them live in my home.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Back to School

So I have big news. It's big to me anyway... but it's still early, and I don't want to tell everyone. But I'm really excited about it. I figure posting it on my blog is safe, since no one reads it anymore, haha.

I'm going back to school! I have begun the process to apply for the Master of Professional Communication program at Weber State University. If all goes well, I will begin this summer, and finish in about two years.

Lauren is five now. She will be starting kindergarten next year, and it has been on my mind what I will do at that point. I love being home with the kids, but with all of them in school, I know I will be bored. I can only clean the house and do the laundry so many times. I plan to spend more time in the temple and in other pursuits, but I have always wanted to go back to school, and the timing is ideal.

I had been contemplating this for a while, considering several options. I had been praying to know the direction I should take. As these things were in my mind, I received a postcard in the mail inviting me to an information session about the master's program. It felt like an answer to my prayer.

As I researched the program, I was nervous to apply. The program's website says that the ideal candidate will show professional accomplishments. Since I haven't really worked in the field since before Michael was born, I was concerned. But Jeff encouraged me to attend the information session anyway. I did, and I am so glad.

Walking into that building on campus, it was like coming home. The building was actually constructed after I graduated in 2002, but it still felt so comfortable - like I was meant to be there. Almost the first thing that Dr. Edwards addressed was that a small percentage of cohorts are people who have been out of the workforce for a long time but are looking to return. I felt like she addressed my concerns completely and immediately.

So I knew - this is a good path for me to follow. I registered to take the GRE and contacted Gerry from the Church News and one of my former professors to ask them to recommend me for the program. I haven't heard back from Dr. Scott yet, but Gerry said she would be happy to. I still need one more reference. I am deciding whether I should ask Brandon from the hotel, or contact another of my former professors, Rick Sline.

It seems that things are falling into place. We'll need to figure out how to pay for it, of course, but the cost isn't actually as prohibitive as I expected.

My eventual goal is to work as an adjunct professor teaching communications classes. I think that would give me the flexibility I want to be home with my kids, but still offer me the opportunity to challenge myself mentally.

I read through my patriarchal blessing the other day. It promises me that through hard work and study I will become very good at teaching. I always thought that applied just to teaching the gospel, but it struck me differently this time.

I'm excited to begin this new adventure.

Lauren's birthday post

Lauren turned five back in December. She had her first birthday party. Back in October, she told me that she wanted a Halloween party for her birthday. So when the stores clearanced out their Halloween stuff, we stocked up. The kids came in costumes, and we colored pictures and played pin the nose on the jack-o-lantern. We had a pinata (a must for every party, she informed me), and of course, cake and ice cream. Well, Lauren chose rainbow sherbet instead of ice cream. Here is a photo of her cake:


Questions about: Lauren Ann Sabin
Date: January 11, 2015 (yeah, about a month late)
Age:5
Nicknames: Lozone, Lo-R-E-O, Lolo, Lologirl, Tweeps


(All questions strictly according to their verbal answers)
What is your favorite color? Blue (this changes pretty much weekly, based on what color they are learning about in pre-school)
What is your favorite toy? My Anna and Elsa Barbies
What is your favorite fruit? Bananas
What is your favorite TV show? He-Man
What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Pizza
What is your favorite outfit? My Elsa shirt
What is your favorite game? Bingo
What is your favorite snack? Ham and turkey
What is your favorite animal? A butterfly
What is your favorite song? Let It Go
What is your favorite book? Big Snowman, Little Snowman
Who is your best friend? Mayci (Julander)
What is your favorite cereal? Coco-Puffs with Marshmallows
What is your favorite thing to do outside? In winter I like to eat snow
What is your favorite drink? Apple beer
What is your favorite holiday? Christmas, because that's when we get all the presents from Santa
What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Pluto (a stuffed Disney Pluto dog)
What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Pizza
What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Pizza
What do you want to be when you grow up? A ballerina
What do you want most for your birthday? Anna and Elsa dolls, and paper and pencils
What is your favorite candy? Rips
What is your favorite sport? I don't have a favorite sport
What makes you sad? When somebody takes something away that I'm playing with
What makes you happy? When I get to play with my daddy
What is your favorite movie? Frozen

Other things about Lauren - this girl can talk! She is my little shadow and loves to hang out with me. We get to spend a lot of time together since Michael and Faith are both in school all day. She is also turning into a Daddy's girl, which is so nice for me to see. Lauren is really independent. Even though she likes to be with someone, she is fine making up her own games and playing on her own. She is so much fun to be with. She has the best sense of humor. For example, one day she was being silly, and I asked her, "Lauren, how did you get to be so goofy?" She didn't miss a beat when she replied, "Because I practice my goofing every day!" Haha. So true. She does practice her goofing every day.

We love you Lolo!


*These photos were taken by my amazing, talented friend Emily Julander (Em-J Photography).