Tori's gift

I had one of those experiences that are beautiful and terrible all at the same time yesterday. My aunt Jodi called me and told me that SHE had just received a phone call from a friend who I'll call Susan. Susan is a member of Jodi's ward. They are friends, but not particularly close. Anyway, Susan called her and explained that she had just been woken up by a dream, in which she saw Jodi holding a tiny baby girl. When she woke, she knew she had to call her. So she did, and explained that her daughter had just had a miscarriage. Susan didn't know why she had dreamed about Jodi holding this baby girl, but she knew that Jodi must have some experience or information to share that could help her daughter cope. She had been promised in a blessing that her baby would be okay, and so naturally, to lose the baby was devastating and confusing.

Jodi told her that she had never had a miscarriage, so she wasn't sure what she could offer. Susan insisted that there must be something - after all, she wasn't in the habit of dreaming about Jodi. So Jodi told her that there was one time when she held a tiny, beautiful, perfect baby girl. Susan asked if there was any way she could talk to me, and Jodi agreed to call and ask.

There have been several times over the last seven years when I have talked to people about Tori. But always before, I have been approached by someone who had a sister or a friend who lost a baby, and they wanted to know the best way to help their friend. This was different. I was being asked to share what I had learned personally about overcoming the grief and devastation. What I knew about facing the absence of Church doctrine and revelation and still maintaining a hope in the Resurrection and in personal revelation.

I agreed to talk to Susan, and told Jodi she could give her my phone number. Less than 10 minutes passed before the phone rang. I have to admit I was still not prepared. Susan introduced herself and said that she had talked with Jodi, who thought I might have some insight to offer.

I began by telling her how sorry I was that her daughter had to deal with this. Then I told her the short version of my story. I told her how I woke up bleeding one day, and that the doctor said my placenta had torn. I was put on bed rest. Susan said that it was the same with her daughter - a torn placenta and bed rest. I recounted how I was on and off of bed rest for a month, and that during that time, I was called to the Primary presidency. In the blessing that Bishop Bowthorpe gave me when he set me apart, he promised me that my pregnancy would be successful.

I started to cry as I told her what almost no one knows - that when he said those words, I immediately received one of the most powerful impressions of my life: If I could have my baby girl in the Resurrection, then this pregnancy was successful. I think part of me knew then that we would lose her.

I have faith in that promise from my bishop.

I went on to tell her about some of the things that helped me through the days following Tori's death; about the statements I found from Church leaders that comforted me; about the book Gone Too Soon. I especially told her how important it was to me that she not be forgotten - how my mom makes blankets every year and donates them to Utah Share; how Jodi calls me and takes me to lunch around Tori's birthday; how we talk about her in our family.

I hope that what I told Susan was helpful. I hope her daughter can find peace.

Losing Tori was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But the lessons I have learned from it are among the most beautiful. I am always grateful to have the opportunity to help others who are experiencing something similar. I call it Tori's gift. It's the gift she gave to me, so that I could give it to others.