Conversion to Motherhood

I heard a talk at BYU Women's Conference a few years ago, where the speaker described herself as a convert to motherhood. At the time, Michael was the only kid we had, but I knew exactly what she was talking about. I was never one to say, "A mom!" when people asked me what I wanted to be. I was going to be a teacher, or a mathematician, or a debate coach. Yes, I wanted to have kids, but that didn't seem like a career choice that I would be satisfied with.

To be honest, I still struggle with this sometimes. Leaving the job I had when Michael was born was one of the hardest things I've done. And now I am perhaps too attached to my hotel job. But Jeff will attest to the fact that I am much easier to live with when I get out of the house a couple nights a week.

But every once in a while I find myself overwhelmed with happiness that I get to be the mother of these kids. And I think there has been one defining moment with each one of them, when I have been converted to being that child's mother.

Michael cried a lot, from the very beginning, and it seemed like he had to be held all the time to be happy. One night when he was just a few days old, I was lying on the couch and he was lying on top of me. It had been a rough night, and he had finally calmed down. I was just rubbing his back, and all of a sudden I felt such an overwhelming love, like nothing I had ever felt before. And honestly, it wasn't MY love for him that I was feeling. It was like for a brief moment, I felt the love that God has for him. That's the only explanation I have for the intensity of that feeling. I think I was being allowed to feel that love to help me be a better mother to him. That was probably my first "conversion to motherhood" moment.

With Faith, I think it happened the first time I saw her. As most of you know, her birth was pretty dramatic. Jeff and I had some interesting experiences with prayer and listening to the spirit in the days leading up to her birth, and when all of the drama was finally over and Jeff brought her around so I could see her, and he said, "She's perfect," and I felt so much relief and fatigue and who-knows-what-else all at once. I knew that we had been incredibly blessed in the way things had happened, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this little girl.

Yesterday I had my "moment" with Lauren. I saw in her eyes a look of joy. That probably sounds so strange, but it's the only way I can explain it. Her whole face was lit up with joy - and she wasn't even smiling. She has always been content and her countenance is pretty cheerful. But I'd never seen a look like that. I hope I never forget it.

I sometimes wish I was more like the people who, for their entire lives, have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. But I'm not. Motherhood did not come naturally to me, and there are still some rough and bumpy moments, when I start to wonder why I entered this path in the first place (I really hope I'm not the only one who feels that way). I still want to go back to school, and I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll leave my hotel job. But when I have these incredible moments with my kids, I am reminded of what really matters most. They are my most important work. Gradually, I am becoming "converted" to this whole motherhood thing.